One of my biggest gripes with the holidays is with the morons who insist on putting Jesus out in their nativity scene before Christmas. Animals. I'm not the only one who finds this disturbing. WJMY is with me on this gripe. Baby Jesus being put out early is up there with his other favorite thing to bitch about, not being able to buy beer before NOON in Chicago. The man doesn't give a shit about anything, but those two issues work his last nerve.
One year WJMY decided to take matters into his own hands and educate the GODLESS FUCKS of Oak Park and River Forest. It had to be Christmas of '94. I was home from school and well he was still living with his folks, attending the local JUCO. It's a miracle he doesn't still live there. That particular Christmas WJMY removed all the Baby Jesuses he could lay his hands on. In all he collected about 50 of them in three hours. I tagged along for the ride just to see if he would really do it-he did. Plus, it was either drink Boone's Farm in Slurpies, smoke dope, and listen to him rant or wrap Christmas presents with the WARDEN-we all know the choice I made.
Collecting the goods wasn't the difficult part. The difficult part was what to do with them once we had them. Clearly they couldn't go back to my house. NO WAY THE WARDEN WOULD'VE SHIT A BRICK. WJMY made the executive decision to take them back to his house and put them in his closet. WJMY had a huge walk in closet with tons of shelves. In our somewhat altered state we thought it would be funny to pose the Jesuses in such a way that when you opened the door and stepped in they would be looking at you. Fast forward to the end of my winter break I'm sitting in his basement with him watching a bowl game, chillin' out, and listening to him whine about some girl. From three floors above we hear his mother yell "SWEET JESUS! JAMES WALTER YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL FOR SURE NOW! WHERE DID YOU GET ALL OF THESE FROM?"-WJMY looks at me and simply says "Mission accomplished I always wanted to go to hell." It is by far one of my favorite Christmas memories. I called him yesterday to tell him that baby Jesus was out early in Brooklyn. All he said was "GODLESS FUCKS! You need to teach them a lesson and take matters into your own hands." True story story kids.
*FYI..www.catholicsupply.com has some good shit.