I agreed to go with Gardner to a wedding in October. I agreed to go with her for the following reasons:
1. The EARL is going.
2. I know the Bride-friends of Gardner and the EARL.
3. It's been a long time since I've seen both of them at the same time.
4. Our friend MayDay will be there. If you think I'm fucked up. She makes me look tame.
I didn't really give it much thought until I received an email from her addressing me as Wedding Date. That's when I realized what a shit show this could turn into. The EARL, Gardner, and myself will be sharing a hotel room. The EARL refuses to share a bed with Gardner. I can't really say that I blame her-Gardner is a freak. Gardner's favorite game to play on a road trip is turtle. For those of you not familiar with this game it is simple. You stop at taco bell, turn the heat on high in the car, lock the windows, and proceed to break wind. The person that sticks their head out the window first is the loser. Hence the name turtle. I have been the turtle many times with Gardner. The EARL is a freak in her own right for being afraid of Gardner. The EARL did drive cross country with her so she has her reasons to be afraid. When I ask her about being on the road with Gardner she turns white and shakes her head as if she spent 7 years in a bamboo cage in Southeast Asia.
I told Gardner that I would be sharing a bed with her, but the following rules must be followed.
1. She has to wear pajamas.
2. Her hands are to be visible at all times.
3. THERE WILL BE NO Dutch Ovens.
I'm hoping she follows at least 2 of my rules. Specifically 1 and 3. I wonder if she will get all blazed up at the wedding and try to talk to me about the "energies"? I wonder if I will get completely blotto and do the robot? I wonder to what degree the EARL and the Brides family will be horrified by our behavior?
*Yes, that is a 2 headed calf with Gardner, and yes she is wearing a t-shirt that says vagetarian on it.