Questionable Rants and Raves

Duke & Duke Comes Bearing Gifts....

Duke & Duke has really gone out of their way this year with holiday gifts.  Every year at this time I have to go through some master list and pick out something halfway acceptable to send my clients.  I've been dreading this chore for weeks.  They've been riding my ass like Zorro over this via email.  It's an unbelievable pain in the ass.  Of course everything has the D&D logo on it.  I can't get a tape dispenser, but they'll spend the money to brand all their crap.  Whatever.  Yesterday, I resolved myself to this chore.  I came in fully prepared for shitty choices-I was surprised.  Finally, an acceptable gift has been offered -FLASKS.
If you aren't a client of mine and would like one of these BAD OSCARS I've ordered extras.  Some of which are already spoken for.  FISCH, SKIRT, JR-don't worry your's have been set aside.
*I don't think the Duke and Duke flasks have a skull and crossbones, but I'm pretty sure their pretentious logo is on it.  Enjoy, HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM D&D!

Tasteless...

One of my biggest gripes with the holidays is with the morons who insist on putting Jesus out in their nativity scene before Christmas.  Animals.  I'm not the only one who finds this disturbing.  WJMY is with me on this gripe.  Baby Jesus being put out early is up there with his other favorite thing to bitch about, not being able to buy beer before NOON in Chicago.  The man doesn't give a shit about anything, but those two issues work his last nerve.
One year WJMY decided to take matters into his own hands and educate the GODLESS FUCKS of Oak Park and River Forest.  It had to be Christmas of '94.  I was home from school and well he was still living with his folks, attending the local JUCO.  It's a miracle he doesn't still live there. That particular Christmas WJMY removed all the Baby Jesuses he could lay his hands on.  In all he collected about 50 of them in three hours.  I tagged along for the ride just to see if he would really do it-he did.  Plus, it was either drink Boone's Farm in Slurpies, smoke dope, and listen to him rant or wrap Christmas presents with the WARDEN-we all know the choice I made. 
Collecting the goods wasn't the difficult part.  The difficult part was what to do with them once we had them.   Clearly they couldn't go back to my house.  NO WAY THE WARDEN WOULD'VE SHIT A BRICK.  WJMY made the executive decision to take them back to his house and put them in his closet.  WJMY had a huge walk in closet with tons of shelves.  In our somewhat altered state we thought it would be funny to pose the Jesuses in such a way that when you opened the door and stepped in they would be looking at you.  Fast forward to the end of my winter break I'm sitting in his basement with him watching a bowl game, chillin' out, and listening to him whine about some girl.  From three floors above we hear his mother yell "SWEET JESUS!  JAMES WALTER YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HELL FOR SURE NOW!  WHERE DID YOU GET ALL OF THESE FROM?"-WJMY looks at me and simply says "Mission accomplished I always wanted to go to hell."  It is by far one of my favorite Christmas memories.  I called him yesterday to tell him that baby Jesus was out early in Brooklyn.  All he said was "GODLESS FUCKS!  You need to teach them a lesson and take matters into your own hands."  True story story kids.
*FYI..www.catholicsupply.com has some good shit.

Santa has a tumor the size of an olive.....

Now, this is what I'm talking about.  No holiday is complete without "The Santaland Diaries".  I remember hearing David Sedaris read his account of working as an elf in Macy's "Santaland" on NPR and nearly crashing my car on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago.  I was laughing so hard the tears were running down my cheek.  If you haven't read it go pick up a copy of "Holidays on Ice" it has this and a couple of other holiday stories that will make you laugh till you can't see.
*As for the show I'm gonna try to go check it out on Sunday afternoon.  If you wanna go shoot me an email and I'll get you a ticket.

SANTA IS COMING TO BROOKLYN

I just picked this bad boy up off Ebay.  A vintage 1968 plastic Santa.  Normally, I stay away from that cesspool of greed.  I've been burned several times.  I still have nightmares about the vintage Akai reel to reel tape deck that slipped through my little paws-a story for another time.  After that mega bang out, I had to set limits on my relationship with Ebay.  NO MORE EBAY IT ONLY LEADS TO HEARTACHE!
I vowed to honor my limits and not turn to the cesspool of greed for my Santa.  I had to lift the ban after spending all day Saturday looking for a plastic Santa for my fire escape.  I thought it would be easy-I WAS WRONG.  This type of lawn trash litters the Midwest.   I went to several places and each one was worse than the previous.  I finally snapped when I could get a blow up Santa in a NASCAR.  What the hell.  Poor JR had to listen to me bitch all day.  The following phrases were uttered out of my mouth:
1.  What kind of hell hole is this? 
2.  Christ, I don't want a polar bear or a penguin.  I want a SANTA.
3.  SANTA ISN'T AFFILIATED WITH NASCAR.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?
But, all is well now that I have this little gem.  I need him to be the show pony of my holiday party on the 15th. 

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Every year the WARDEN asks me what I would like for Christmas.  My standard answer is bi-lateral nuclear disarmament and world peace.  Nothing gets her panties in a bind more than that answer.
HEY SMARTASS, JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMNED LIST  Cheery, right? 
So, every year I present her with a list of things that I would like.  Nothing outlandish-CDs, DVDs, and books.  I'm pretty simple when it comes to gifts.  Every year I receive nothing even remotely close to what is on my list.  Here is an example of what I'm talking about.  One year I asked for the Ken Burns Baseball DVD set- I got pajamas.  Those two things aren't even remotely similar.  If the jammies had baseballs on them I could understand.  But, there were no baseballs on those jammies. 
This year I'm making it short and sweet.  I do still want bi-lateral nuclear disarmament and world peace, but I will take anything on this list.  Except for the Luther Vandross set.  Mark my words I will get a toaster or something else completely useless.

*The blog's new template is only good through December and because Santa is watching.  I'm going to try really hard to be good.  I'm going to try not to be a bitter jaded fuck and rant on the blog about things out of my control.  However, come hell or high water on January 1, 2008-I will be back to normal.