Questionable Rants and Raves

Wedding Date

I agreed to go with Gardner  to a wedding in October.  I agreed to go with her for the following reasons:
1.  The EARL is going.
2.  I know the Bride-friends of Gardner and the EARL.
3.  It's been a long time since I've seen both of them at the same time.
4.  Our friend MayDay will be there.  If you think I'm fucked up.  She makes me look tame.
I didn't really give it much thought until I received an email from her addressing me as Wedding Date.  That's when I realized what a shit show this could turn into.  The EARL, Gardner, and myself will be sharing a hotel room.  The EARL refuses to share a bed with Gardner.  I can't really say that I blame her-Gardner is a freak.  Gardner's favorite game to play on a road trip is turtle. For those of you not familiar with this game it is simple.  You stop at taco bell, turn the heat on high in the car, lock the windows, and proceed to break wind.  The person that sticks their head out the window first is the loser.  Hence the name turtle.  I have been the turtle many times with Gardner.  The EARL is a freak in her own right for being afraid of Gardner.  The EARL did drive cross country with her so she has her reasons to be afraid.  When I ask her about being on the road with Gardner she turns white and shakes her head as if she spent 7 years in a bamboo cage in Southeast Asia. 
I told Gardner that I would be sharing a bed with her, but the following rules must be followed.
1.  She has to wear pajamas.
2.  Her hands are to be visible at all times.
3.  THERE WILL BE NO Dutch Ovens.
I'm hoping she follows at least 2 of my rules.  Specifically 1 and 3.  I wonder if she will get all blazed up at the wedding and try to talk to me about the "energies"? I wonder if I will get completely blotto and do the robot?  I wonder to what degree the EARL and the Brides family will be horrified by our behavior? 
*Yes, that is a 2 headed calf with Gardner, and yes she is wearing a t-shirt that says vagetarian on it.

Midwestern Week

As many of you know I'm going home this week for the Judge/Schott wedding.  I'm very excited and very happy.  It's not everyday your BFF finds someone who might actually be the greatest guy in the world. Trust me I love my crew of boys, but there is something about this one that makes him a step above the rest.  Maybe because I've never seen her this happy.
In honor of my return to the promise land I've decided to devote this week's blog entries to all things Midwestern.  It will be filled with music, sports, stories, and anything else I can think of that is Midwestern.   So be prepared for a lot of talk about the Sox, Cubs, Bears, Bulls, Hawks, Oak Park, CBOT, Taste of Chicago, Wisconsin, and whatever else comes to mind. 
I think that by the time the week is over you too will want to live in Chicago.

FIESTAGATE

I asked TURBO 2 weeks ago to plan a fiesta for the "Grappler".  The Grappler has left the NYMEX for bigger and better things on Duke & Duke's fixed income desk.  My instructions were very simple.  I told him to find a bar between the NYMEX and Midtown, pick a time, and invite the appropriate people.  My only request about the bar was that it have "Golden Tee" and a good jukebox.   This was a rather simple request, or so I thought.  It's not like I asked him to hire caterers.  I would've done it myself, but I already had way too much shit going on.
I got to work this morning and asked what our plans were-no answer.  So, I asked again thinking it was a bad connection on the phone.  Turbo said: "I couldn't find a place.  It will have to wait till next week."  Couldn't find a place?  There are probably 5000 bars below 42nd street and he couldn't find one.  Needless to say I was a bit annoyed.  The worst part of Fiestagate was I had to call/email/text all of our peeps to say we weren't having it today-this is the second time we've canceled this to do his inability to plan. 
The best response I got about postponing it was from our friend Chucktown.  He simply sent me a text saying-"you pussies really need to get your shit together".  My response "I know."
Note to self:  Never ask TURBO to plan anything ever again.  I thought he could handle this he has planned numerous "wing dings". 

Beer, NCAA's, Remy, Turbo, Good Sister, Karaoke-The List is Endless

I think I'm still hungover from Friday-really I'm not kidding.  I was out late...way late on Friday.  I got home at 4:30 AM.  I usually only behave that way when I'm home and the Leinenkugels is flowing freely.  Chicago is an easier city to go off the reservation in.  NYC you never know one wrong turn and you are chopped up in garbage bags on the Belt Parkway.
Friday all started of calm and collected and quickly got out of hand.  The plan was to go to NCAAs in Jersey with Remy catch his Hoyas and the Heels in action and go back to the city to meet Turbo.  By meeting Turbo I mean have a beer or two with him and call it a night. It didn't work that way.  Yes, we did go to the games and yes we did meet up with Turbo-it was after meeting up with him things got nutty.
Turbo has two sisters the good one and the bad one.  One is older and one is younger.  I find both of them to be hilarious.  They are just like Turbo-it is all about having a beer and a good time. The good sister lives about 4 blocks from Turbo so we see her quite a bit. Remy and I return to NYC and meet up with  Turbo and good sister at his favorite bar O'Hara's downtown.  He is on a first name basis with all of the bartenders.  Turbo literally lives around the corner from this place yet still manages to blackout on the way home.  He's a real catch ladies you are missing out.  The blackouts could come as a result of all the jager bombs he does.  A jager bomb consists of a shot of jagermeister and red bull-real good for the old liver and ticker I'm sure. 
By the time we reached Turbo and the good sister they were well on their way to  a pretty decent black out.  As soon as we got there jager bombs were flowing.  Good sister wanted to sing karaoke specifically KC and The Sunshine Band and Remy being a good man knew exactly where to go- I was a little taken aback by the fact he was down with karaoke.  I knew I liked him for a reason.  We head to a full on Karaoke Bar just off of Canal and 6th avenue. This place rocks it is filled with mic toting Asians singing "White Wedding", "These Boots are Made for Walking", and my personal fav "Summer Lovin'".  I love karaoke-it allows my inner rock star to come out and shine.  Beer at this place was $6 for a bottle of Bud Lite-that is just robbery.  So we proceed to get drunker as the night goes on.  More beer, jager bombs, and the icing on the cake the singing of Ben E. King's "Stand By Me" with such drunken sloppiness Shane McGowan of the Pouges would have been proud.  The night was not over after this.
Good sister was the tour guide of the night.  After karaoke we went to Red Rock West.  This place is scary.  It is dark and filled with a bunch of rednecked fucks. I have been to this place with Turbo before, but never at 2 AM-it's a real eye full.  Scantily clad women roaming around drinking cheap whiskey and dancing on top of the bar.  Words can't even describe the men they associate with- it is somewhere between retard and asshole.  Looking at these men I suddenly was happy I dated women. It's a toss up as to what the highlight of Red Rock West was.  It was either when the burly bouncer set the bar on fire with grain alcohol and the slutty bartenders slid through it or when the slutty bartenders poured booze all over each other and licked it off one another and then poured it on Turbo and licked it off him.   If you ask him he will say that was favorite.  Good sister can't talk at this point and it is time to leave.  Remy lives in the 'hood so he missed out on the cab ride downtown and the puke. Thats right we get in the cab and we are halfway downtown and good sister pukes in the cab.  We drop them off at good sister's crib so Turbo can get her upstairs and I'm left to deal with  an angry cab driver who has puke in his cab all the way back to Brooklyn. Who said an evening with Turbo and the good sister was no fun?  If you are looking for a tour guide while in NYC I would be happy to give you their info and you can experience it all for yourself.

Space Age Fun On "The Left Coast"

Rockin' With Lily Allen

I went with my best pal last night Miz B. to go see Lily Allen-that girl has a set of pipes on her.  She reminds me of the singer in the band "Letter's to Cleo"-you may remember that band from the late '90's.  They did a cover of Nick Lowe's "Cruel to Be Kind"-better than the original if you want my opinion. 
Anyway, Lily rocked the house with a blazing 45 maybe 50 minute set at Webster Hall.  It was refreshing to see a smart ass kid bad mouthing the man while smoking on stage. Webster Hall is a great spot to catch a show it is small and the acoustics are perfect. The only problems I have with the place are A.- $6 Beers (never not if it were the last beer on earth) B.-Leaving I felt like the patrons at the Who show in Cincinnati in the early '80's and C.-Way too many drunk girls with annoying boy friends.  Ladies do us all a favor if you want to go see a show with music that you like LEAVE JETHRO at home so we can all have some peace.
Overheard in the bathroom:
Drunk Girl A-"Would you like to go to a spin class with me in the morning?"
Drunk Girl B-"God NO!  That is like asking me if I want a hot poker jammed up my ass and I say YES PLEASE HARDER." 
Drunk Girl A- "True, but you don't have to be such a bitch about it!"
That exchange made my night...hot poker sounds exciting.